DISCLAIMER: The following poem was written almost 2 decades ago in 2003
when I was in the midst of confusing delusions of grandeur and believing I
was on my way to some sort of computerized immortality. I apologize now
because the writing is fairly annoying, but I'm all for transparency of past
present and future. Let me know if you have had similar thoughts about your
own life or projects.
“How bout this? Me and you step it up bigtime asap, tuck shirts all around
yank the pants right high and belt em up tight, slap on some big boots, slam
a couple warm v8s and its off into the woods for unharnessed exponential
kicks no gimmicks. Like I’m talking Legendary Logic and the No-Nonsense
Lifestyle Situation. Just let it fly, I’ll stumblexplain everything and then
it’s: Welcome My Son, Welcome To The Machine, aka our new HQ, my abandoned
shopping mall compound in the middle of the forest in the middle of the
desert on an island somewhere southpacific. We’re hacking the Universe
itself for incredible benefits. And obviously of course I screw up bigtime
and there’s terrible malfunction-retaliations which force a complete 180.
Next up we’re chtalking handshake deals with the Devil for War on God.
Forget Utopian Kitchen Facilities and Unrequited Love for my girl Sarah
McLachlan and especially forget being voluntarily eaten by a Great White
Shark, like eaten on purpose. Now its only about Revenge. Sorry folks, can’t
help it, I gotta tear it all down. I’m gonna buy the world and watch it
burn.”
So how exactly do you take down the Universe? Flowers’ll show you how to closeline the mofo and put it in a frickn ankle lock. Just give up, grab the guide, and read up. But first you gotta ditch something that’s obviously gonna drag you down, so be warned, cause this is, explicitly, a tried and true guide to losing your mind: This is (richmond’s biggest has been)’s Guide to Becoming God.
(2003)
BKJKTBLURB
So how exactly do you take down the Universe? Flowers’ll show you how to closeline the mofo and put it in a frickn ankle lock. Just give up, grab the guide, and read up. But first you gotta ditch something that’s obviously gonna drag you down, so be warned, cause this is, explicitly, a tried and true guide to losing your mind: This is (richmond’s biggest has been)’s Guide to Becoming God.
RICHMONDS-BIGGEST-HAS-BEEN'S-GUIDE-2-BECOMING-GOD
NO TABLE OF DISCONTENTS:
onlya near-mapped route:
Where do you want to go, my heart?
Anywhere - anywhere out of this world…
Coming right up
WARNING:
theGuide is really just a gameplan
for me. me only.
cause, its not like,
written for you.
that would imply I,
believe
you
exist
like you’re really real
with full functioned brain, backstory, etcetera
somehow
unexplicated-ly
isolated
nay
uneffected
by the ever all orchestration-ing me
and don’t even pigeonhole theGuide as Wachowski-roused
first-year meta-philo-physical drivel…
this is the realmotherdeal, like:
incept age one-nine, without out-side guides…
they’d say: Why dyou stare so hard in the mirror? 15-minutes-straight-a-day?
And-its-just-like: mirror in the bathroom, please speak free,
door’s locked, just you and me.
just you and me… theethree.
Bust this: You exist
only as a test subject for faaaaar
articulation…
Test? subject? Who’s testing who? Anexam?
An observe. E. yah. believe me, you. you’re being observed…
don’t belieeeeve me, you? ask.
Ask now. Ask anybody/anything
What works speshly well with this:
ask your reflection, and stare:
Am I being watched?
do it…
or die.
Nihilist: I’d like to see his face when he dies and he’s just dead.
me2Nihiler: I’ll see your just dead face from the Centauri System yoo myopic motherfucker
NOTE: From now on, you = me (and theethree)
SoooooOkay silly, what’s the first step, the ONLY step
anarchetypal step, prerequisite for, in, and to be violently applied to, all subjugate steps?
the keycard-inal rule, the water of life itself inside some godfearedgrail…
the uhu glue? JUST DO IT
you must understand that there are two types of people in the world:
those who do what their shirt says they’re should do – and everyone else.
you are the only one in the universe.
there’s the theoretical doer out there doing everyone
and there’s you:
don’ting
quickList of everything done last, this, year:
Slept in.
Haikoo for Oh-Three, Oh-Two:
Broken Heart On A Full Stomach
(best thing rJat ever said).
now for a pop quiz, asschasm:
What’s the most important thing for you, and forforksnspoons why?
a) faith?
b) gravity?
FUCKEN GRAVITY GETS THINGS DONE!
(you so totally need some action)
TheGuide will not save your life; that, my enemy, is up to yooooooou:
You’ve blown it, fully, completely.
Gutterd… for rebowl.
All your little streams, your baby tributaries, pituitaries: dried up?
They just dry up?
Rapid-fire-list of unaccomplishment plagues?
open yourself up: Shit?
Try and use paper to recitfy the situation: Bloody smears?
Sun pisses in your face?
Slam a Rat Milkshake Among The Betrayed… Fucking rebowl, bitch.
now what’re you gonna say you’re gonna do?
STAGE 1 NUMBER 1) you go get the yellow cover NME Originals Entirely-Radiohead-Dedicated Magazine Special (volume1issue8). Tear out page five. laminate for under $2. tape onto ceiling above bed.
STAGE 1 NUMBER 2) Memphis Blues Authentic Southern Bar-Bee-Q House, northside of Broadway, 320 feet from Granville. GO.
now what else you gonna say you gonna do, Foo?
STAGE 1 NUMBER 3) YOU GO SIGN UP FOR KUNGFOO
NOW.
Why join kung foo?
Wtf?!
What’s this, You Need reasons?!
…If being a Kung Foo master doesn’t sound reasonable to you
you don’t deserve to master theFoo
join kung foo:
you’ll = pliable
and lethally superintend overunder 650 muscles 206-275 bones.
Whynot frontflip outof considerable trees?
Why not elevate your dance moves to comprehensive status?
Why not transform all humans into gap-tooth grade 8 kids?
Okay: you’re waltzing some street
sudden you see
eight 25yrOld males
FUBU’d.
Fear rules you.
Howbout: you’re waltzing some street
sudden you see
like twentyFive grade8 kids
like 25 of those little stumblegoofs…
Fear does not rule.
You rule.
See?
accentuated self, compliments of kung foo
equals
neutralized dangerous aspects
of all humans-animals-vehicles-guns.
theoretically transformed everything into grade 8 kids.
whom you can goof with unabashed.
STAGE 1 NUMBER 4) dress caughshj and cheap
STAGE 1 NUMBER 5) always take too big a bite
STAGE 1 NUMBER 6) Make Declarations:
IT IS ALLOWED.
LAMPS ARE NOT THE FIRE.
TOO COLD TO WALK TOO DRUNK TO DRIVE.
EVERYONE’S A MIRROR, TIS WHY I LOOK AWAY.
ALL FALLS DOWN.
KING KONG COCK.
YOU MUST MARRY THE TERROR.
one of the finer points of being theGod is theOmniscience,
that all knowing cosmic awareness which makes for elaboratepartyhoaxes…
whatchyoo gottoo dooooo:
STAGE 1 NUMBER 7) consciously EXPAND YOUR FUCKEN AWARENESS!!!
this might happen naturally (slowly) without you
buttfuck man
you gotta grow
a big bad
big badass brain!!!
THIS IS PRIORITY. THIS WOULD BE FUCKEN COOL!
Like, now, you’re running a bs O.S.
dawdling input speed
way-wretch non-NTFS filing-system
novideocard, no dual monitors
and I’m tchalking like 6mbRAM, tops
SO! for now, you gotta stick to:
Syllabussed bestofs, readersDigestOfTheUniverse kindof deals…
example: steada swiping every-album-ever by theBeatles:
heist red62-66 and blue67-70 doubledisc synopsissez
PLUS! Reading the best parts of 14 books equals living like 11 human lives,
SO! sleuth out the best books ever, man,
by the best mostLegendaryStatusAuthors
read the first and last page
shelf em for you in STAGE 2
IF! you don’t memorize Judd Nelson’s lines from the 3rd notch on John Hughesez belt and
if you don’t watch minimum 2 documentaries 3 movies a day
you’re a lost cause
SO! mod your VCR for variable-speed FastForward w/audio
slowly increase your absorption speed to at least 4x
NOW! exception to summary-ing:
you must master every video game ever.
but if your moms keeps booting you off her system sos she can play freecell: reduceList sos you master at least every RPG ever.
ALSO!
Worldreligiousophical viewpoints to note:
foolishlyproblematicskepticism, sooooooolipsism, mcDonaldsrulesbuthurtsism
Worldreligiousophical viewpoints to note then ditch:
mchamboism
THEN! take weird stuff apart, figure it.
do this AMAP, you need to be boss here
dominate Photoshop7.0, particularily the Stroke and Brightness-Contrast functionables
write, draw stuff, daily, cause What exactly is it that you end up doing in life? I-ing.
FARTICULATORY SYNDICATOLOGY! you gottoo decipher you! (to yrself at least!) Porfolio yer aesthetic = portrait fool’s paradise
One of your friends has an older brother who’s like 23-29 years old, living in the parents’ house. Sneak into his room when he’s in the shower having a toss. Lift his copy of Aenima. Listen 3X a week to snap out of it.
and most important: ANALOGIES!
learn n make as many as is super-colossal-possible!
analogies are fucken cool!
live by the Semblance-Sword!
die by the OvereatingOfAllWhiteMeatMcNuggets!
you won’t truly understand any of this unless you can explain it to Grammother…
STAGE 1 NUMBER 8) Get a suit, one-piece, fleece. (don’t laugh, ass)
STAGE 1 NUMBER 9) BreyersEquallyDividedNeapolitan.
newNOTE: navigating toward what you want in life, you’ll notice that it is nodoubt guarded by HeavilyArmedGuards
reNOTE: sometimes you can sneak by the fatRatBastards, if you’re real cleverCourageous… but you could be clocked for cheating… like that time you fanagled backstage ina fakeFirstAid uniform and ThomRadioheadYorke had you arrested because he knew you weren’t ready to talk to him.
Really, think of it: you lucked out: He would have eaten you.
so, STAGE 1 NUMBER 10) to get stuff, you got to learn HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS
Bipeds can be classified into categories:
PotentialSidekicks
PunchingBags
BurninatingTrogdors (givem an inch they take your upper arms)
BackMassagesers
Oxidinators ofTheNitrousVariety
JediMasterMentors
HeavilyArmedGuards
Morpheouses
Beneficial stranger in your sights?
You must become The Gelatinous Fish and slap their face
you need extensive tools fer this:
a) the slew of questions, the slough of straightToTheHeart Questions, questions they’ve never heard before, questions that’ll limber em up… left field. own it.
Basically, you get good asking questions, you get good making friends…
you keep at it, suddenly you unearth their crank and
WHOOOSH you’ve hit the taps:
they’re on, they’re chatting it up, they’re tchalking, they’re blabbering, they’re jammering on, they’re finally thinking straight, they’re getting pumped up and all of a sudden
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’VE MADE A FRIEND AND NOW YOU CAN REPEAT YOUR FORMULA AND MAKE AS MANY MORE AS YOU WISH!
you’ve got to become a friend-slut…
get around
friend it with everybody
If good, you’ll dig up some fucked up repugnant shit
gather these gems
catalogue these goon grub gaptooth gangle goofs…
for they are:
The Progenitors Of Something Amazing One Of These Days
by now nodoubt noticed Bipeds are a BucketOfLaughs?
you plus peeps output Chronic Conversation Revelation!
if only you had a Camera! Or a Tape Recorder!
STAGE 1 NUMBER 11) GET THE FUCKEN CAMERA! OR THE TAPE RECORDER!
you’re on a quest, following clues…
those units that look near-like you and make noise at you, your fucking friends
they’ve been dropping helpful hints, tips, big shits and potential pathways since you first bonked into em…
they barf brilliance until you catch on
and use their/your mental journeyings for constructive purposes!
Like the attainment of LegendaryStatus and its ensuing personal financial freedoms!
but, yknow, the more I think about it, the more it seems to me that being handed a couple million dollars would be a fucking disaster... but just a thought, so:
just gather the stuff…
compile the greatest hits…
then what? You’ll see! just compile!
HOW?
Why, go to FutureShop and pocket the sony icd-ms515vtp digital voice recorder with digital pitch control, voice activation, removeable 128 megabyte memory stick, panasonic NiMH triple-A rechargeable batts, USB PC slot, Scansoft’s Dragon Naturally Speaking VoiceToPrint Software PLUS: Lowprofile Secret Stereo Aiwa Mike.
Why the frick not?
With 128mb stick, you gots headroom to record ALL THE FRICKIN TIME!
or 22 hours 36 minutes and 56frickinSeconds in 11khz stereoSound SPmode
whichever comes first.
Transfer of theWorks from unit to PC via selfdetecting USB:
Less than aminute3!
So what the frick do you do now that you just uploaded 22 HOURS OF FRICKIN AIRTIME into your little PC?
You capitalize on the ms515’s integral feature:
the BOOKMARK FUNCTION! silly
Example?
Imagination imagines us engaged in meaningless discussion when all of a sudden you say:
“Ya know theone, you’re a real ______”
We both laugh and you fart.
“Hah, if only we caught that on tape”
Now you go off looking for a napkin, and I grin inwardly then slide my finger to my unit: BOOKMARK BUTTON!
just flagged our magic moment, and my unit continues recording.
Then I ditch you sos I can ramble unbridled, get hot, sweaty, jabbering realitySynth specifications for my Grams.
I start getting pumped up and actually bust out a few choice lines…
BOOKMARK!
continue pacing… mumbling…
NOW! at the end of arduous days, bookmarks make it a breeze to both:
locate significant-Save-worthy events, AND
trim away uneventful hours pre-pro-ceding said events.
This garners a neat little thirty second clip of you joking, us laughing and you farting, which I throw into your folder along with all the other bests of our encounters.
REPEAT process on remaining bookmarks; locate, trim, label and file…
BAAM: the Greatest Hits Of The Day are compiled within afast15minutes…
after the fact, just listen back, laugh some, store em, check hotmail account, grab some fine iced creams, have a quick toss and hit the sheets.
Writhe-ing for honesty
but can’t beat the heat:
thirty people narking our heart to heart:
WRITE FUNNY, FOOL! WRITE SMART
cept now I can bust out the FRICKIN 515
Finally, smuggle an honest report
albiet compressed, slightly edited
FORTUITOUS SIDE EFFECT: this daily reviewing increases awareness
Of your so-called life, like what kinds of things are happening, how many times a day you’re going to McDonalds, what you think is significant, and who’s funnier: Jat or Hoon?
STAGE 1 NUMBER 12) Almost lucked out, but, luck, Re-issued. Navigate your local hobbyshops. Grill them to order factory direct: McFarlane DeluxeBoxedSet Series2Sentinel. discontinued.
fuck. goto www.spawntoys.com: MovieManiacs6 AlienQueen DeluxeBoxedSet Diorama. Nuff said.
UNRELATED NOTE 09.1: no heaven? you go out soft like that poor fatBrother in se7en, force-fed until you shut off, self-induced, straight McNuggets.
UNRELATED NOTE 09.2) Now say there’s heaven… you damn well go out hard, eaten by The Great White Shark. Or faceKnifed.
YOU GUYS ARE FUCKEN DELUDED!
STAGE 1 NUMBER 13) GET IT ON TAPE!
Your unconventional experimental interactive film owns
the intersection of your fave forms:
whack visual art
all things writing
tragedy
insane dance moves
kungFoo
INTENSE music
internet
documentary
videogaming
et-the-fuck-cetera
This slightly-evolved movie format hints at your true calling
So: build a steadycam for under $14
rewire momses video camera and getta buncha blanks
smack Hooner soooooooooo hard
lift Hooner’s Futuristic Japanese MircoDVcamera that he lifted off HurricaneKat
You now have:
2 plethoras of choice gear which you’ll keep strapped at all times…
Film whatever, whenever:
something boss happens, reinact it immediately.
Emphasis: shorts… filmed, edited and scrubbed, within hours:
For once in your life, have that sense of accomplishment, see what you’ve made instantly sos you can riff off it, or post it on the web, or use it right away to cultivate support… don’t textbook anything…
this is freestyle
this is collage
stitch it together later, trust me…
this’ll get you a deal.
k smith, daronofsky, wanderson, you and yer crew.
practice for the big one.
STAGE 1 NUMBER 14) move out into a barn with holmses, steal stuff
STAGE 1 NUMBER 15) I told you to get in this band: SO DO THE BAND. Those three you’re lucky enough to be in it with are quite brilliant and you know it. Get dealt. Get OnTheRoad.
FINAL STAGE 1 TASK: NUMBER 16) HUBB-START THE SYNDICATE
okay, it’s borne a simple hub website:
front page says WHATCHyoo want?
a) you need something done that you don’t want to do? OR
b) you want to do what you want to too?
NOTE: D.I.O. is fucken cool! Its free and we can do it by rselfs. This kind of life is not for everyone –only for crazy motherfuckers, so think careful before you do it.
sally-forth-with:
a) you need something done that you don’t want to do?
from there on in, build a simple link hub, theHub, spreading information like the fertilizer it is, aiming em in the right direction, emphasis on D.I.O. (Do It Ourselves)
Want to figure your way through some hindering thicket? Getta hatchet at theHub.
cause theHub’s massaging backs, cutting grass, hacking/cracking/talksmacking
theHub’s network-administrationing, audio-recording, comedic stripping
AND teaching you how to make omeletes
Hub’ll know someone who knows: theHub is people who know people!
need to learn how to use the internet? theHub
buy a used car? theHub
manufacture an album? theHub
airbrush murals? theHub
need the head shaved? yup
your daughter dated? theHub
whatchyou need? whatchyou want?
Why not run through theHub rather than theBehemothDeathCorporations?
Cause theBehemoth has greed and that’s that
but theHub has big dreams in life man, as outlined in:
b) you want to do what you want to too?
This is where it gets serious…
no more fucking around for homeostasis
this is IT
theBigArt? you. Me. We.
the Great Work? theGreatWork.
Beaconing like-mindeds
soon there’ll be endless documentary
involved training programs
the choicest of HowTo’s
then they’ll be research projects, builds, interfacing
what’s that? something to do with:
you and yours getting more and more mixed up with machines
something about:
Networked-Consciousness-Emergence
and something about:
long drinks in the Restaurant At The End Of The Universe
5) dance with your eyes closed
D.I.O. till we fucken die!
ps: JUST DO IT? JUST FUCKEN DID IT!
Pps: better watch your back, everything in the Universe will henceforth attempt your assassination, bitch.
Epilogue:
You were fucked up, strangled, beaten up,
you said: put me in a home or put me down
I got myxomatosis
I got myxomatosis
So I lifted you, terrified
see the finish line?
thrown back to wolves in the maze
now, you know, new
and now, you start slaying through
you got consciously-growing brains
upcoming self-control
you got projects
you’ll get attention…
and with theHub
you got holmses globe-over
finding what they’ve always been looking for
you got Hubbies who’re pumped up
ready to FRICKIN FLIP OUT
to commune
to integrate
to get on the Great Work
live as they should
with all this in tune
with the sun eclipsed by the moon
you got xray goggles plus a 12gauge
in the molder-doomed maze.....................................
Stuff coming up in Stage 2:
- the syndicate
- the REAL band
- the compound
- the directIntuitiveInterface
- the reality synthesizer
- fatty-style eats
- the nanobiotechnological utopia (with entrance examination)
- something about recognizing the earth as a huge machine which facilitates your ever-increasing awareness
Stuff coming up in Stage 3:
- cmon fool, step to stage 2
RICHMONDS-BIGGEST-HAS-BEEN'S
GUIDE-2-BECOMING-GOD
